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Ok soooooo since I have been with family for the past week for the funeral 
the amount of food that passed these lips was disgusting
I don't even want to talk about it.
But yes since my low weight I have grossly put on a hideous amount and I wish to wallow in self pity for as long as it takes to disappear!!!
But I have learnt from my flatmates that
infact
they are all going home next weekend!!!!
YES!
that means
oh yes that means
that I can fast! Completely, and not worry about buying food, or eating food with any of them noticing!!!
So fast for a week I shall!!! (because Granny my flatmate will be back after a week)
But it gets better because!! She wants to do the master cleanse with me!!!!
FUCK YES!
so as I wallow in self pity now... after next week I am going to be ontop of the world!!! YES! :)


anyways here is a few things about me..... :)
Age: 19, I'm 20 in like 8 days, eeeeek!!
Height: 5'10"7
Weight: 155.6lbs
Dress Size: 11 on bottom 8/10/12 on top (NZ)
Highest Weight: now....... 155.6lbs
Lowest Weight (at height): 130
Goal Weight: 125 (Ultimate GW)
Favorite Diet Food: coke zero, tuna, water, tea
Favorite Binge food: chocolate, crisps, anything sweet/savory, DORITOS, burgers
Favorite Exercise: dancing, walking, anything
Favorite Thinspo: flat stomachs, thighs, HIPS!
Where Do You Slip Up: At night when I am with the flatmates


When Did It Start?:
Hating your body: Year 7... 11years
Restricting/counting: since I was 13
Does Anyone Know: Blogger, the S and a few other people
You Want Help: I don't need help.... I am not near needing help
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: Depends anywhere from 0 - 100434193879123648641253468
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: Gross Flabby Thighs and a chubby tummy no shape. Gross in general
Are You In A Relationship: Yes
Are You Depressed: sometimes
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: nope
Ever Been To A Psychologist: nope 

I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself (starting today)
[  ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[  ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat (never to my face though)
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[  ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[  ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[  ] shaking
[  ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[  ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[  ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself


APPEARANCE -
[  ] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars. (I fall over a lot)
[  ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[  ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[  ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[  ] I have/had braces.
[  ] I wear glasses (only for reading tho!)
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[  ] I’ve run away from home.
[/] I’ve been kicked out of the house. (almost)
[  ] My biological parents are together.
[  ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[  ] I’ve had children.
[  ] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my trousers rip (on a flipping nail)


RELATIONSHIPS -
[  ] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[  ] I’m engaged. 
[  ] I’m married.
[  ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[  ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[  ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[  ] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[  ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.


SEXUALITY -
[  ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[  ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.


HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[  ] I’ve snuck out of my house. (other peoples sure... mine? no)
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[  ] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[  ] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[  ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[  ] I take anti-depressants.
[  ] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[  ] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[x] I’m at my thinnest
[x] I’m at my biggest
[  ] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily (-ish)
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[  ] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[  ] I’ve taken diet pills
[  ] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[  ] I exercise so I can eat
[  ] I work out secretly
[  ] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[  ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion


I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[  ] Cigarettes 
[x] Alcohol
[  ] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers (only when sick... and OK maybe one other time when I wasn't)
[  ] Anti-depressants
[  ] Ecstasy
[  ] LSD
[  ] Mushrooms
[  ] Speed
[  ]  Cocaine
[  ] Other


[x] I keep my eating habits a secret from those around me
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[   ] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[   ] I’m doing this for someone 
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself im strong

:(

just found out my granddad died today..... mini binge.... big cry 

I am now exhausted

goodnight my lovelies

p.s. you girls are so supportive and lovely!!!! You all have such great hearts! ILY!x

I failed

I ate.... not because I was hungry, and not because anyone else was eating
I ate because.... well I have no idea
I went to the campus cafe and ordered a skim milk ice chocolate with no cream, then I saw a chocolate bar [200cals] I love and bought it and ate it all up with out thinking. Then I got a chicken, avocado, and salad [cals unknown] sandwich. Then last but not least a freaking sausage roll [1,000,000,000,000 cals] after class. I can't even fast for two days any more.
I'm going to do that paint a nail a day fast idea to get me through this
I am going to do it
I do not want to be a fat ass all my life

So don't think that I am pushing you away.........

I am fasting until I feel the need to eat starting at 8pm Saturday 21st
lets see how long this can last

do you think its wrong that I am fasting until someone notices?
do you think it is somewhat twisted?
I do!
and in my sick, twisted mind, I think I am going to enjoy it
There isn't much left in my life that I enjoy anymore.
I hate sleeping, I hate waking up, I dislike talking, I don't like town, I hate UNI. This is just a phase... hopefully
I am hoping to get tested for ADD soon... not hoping actually, because I don't want there to be anything wrong with me ever. haha funny right? I just don't want people to think I am fucked up even more than I am
Fuck I contradict myself
ARGH

Last night was awful....
I had a fantastic day, with my awesome new weight :) a number I havent seen in a while
but no
went to my friends flat
and I wasn't drinking [broke as balls here] and my theory is that I dont drink unless someone else pays
so yeah I got given 2 wines and an RTD
and I was tipsy
then we left the flat with a bunch of our guy mates [one whom we don't actually like but tags along]
then 3 out of the 6 guys get in a punch up with randoms.
I hate fighting I hate it... mainly coz of shit that went down when I was little but ye know
so tried to break it up, got called a whore, a bitch, a fat slut
I ran off and sat on the side of the road with my friend.... then the randoms friends walked past and asked me why I was crying then one told me I was to pretty to cry.
But yeah then my friend went to break up the fight and sorta succeeded, however when she walked back to me one of the guys punched of our friends.... so me and her ran off with their alcohol and proceeded to drink it back at mine.
She went down to the guys flat that was below mine and the guy we dont like very much was there and he yelled at her, I wasnt there but I saw one of my good guy mates crying so I bought him into my flat then my friend returned from the flat crying... all in all, guy we dont like, made them feel like shit
I was drunk[ish] and angry
I went down there
I went hulk! like no joke I was screaming at him [well not quite] I told him he had no right to treat anyone like how he did etc....
and these girls were telling me to clam down and that I was a sluzza and a whore and thatt they remembered my first drink... I wanted to smack them but I wasnt there to smack them one I was there to tell that guy what a huge dick he was... then I left.
then I went back after the dick left and I went and talked to his/my friends who 2 of them live there and had a convo with them... then the dick came back yelled at me made me cry and told me I have no friends which in a way is true.... I don't
I don't trust anyone
NO ONE!
I tried to think of someone to turn to
but no one arrived in my head
he is right
yeah
anyways after that I went to town had a great[ish] night then went home
slept
woke up
now I am thinking about
if I can trust anyone apart from family, and S

xx

Can you say 138.4?!!!!

I CAN!!!!
FUCK YES!
138.4lbs this morning :D

so much to do....

.... but I can't do anything
I physically and mentally cannot do the tasks I need to do
I really do need a break from myself

omg i am having a serious moment...... I am half way through a bag of salted doritos and guacamole binge
I stopped!
I just stopped.
I am not eating tomorrow
I know fasting is bad but I cant eat anymore. I am just going to see how long I can go for not eating
S isn't talking to me atm
thats what triggered the binge. and stress
also the fact my rooms a fucking pig sty
and I could possibly have ADHD
yeah

but I stoped halfway through a binge.... got to be a + right

can't I use the table????

Fuck my room mate sucks....

she is my friend yes

but when it comes to room mate/ flat mate she is a BITCH!

I mean seriously 

she has been working with her art stuff on the table watching her show on her lap top for the past 3 days..... and the one time I want like half of the table.... I can't even 

BITCH

fuck she is pissing me off

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

not only this 

buuuuut

we went out on saturday night and then she ditched me because I talked.... yes "talked" to the guy she doesn't like.... yes thats right petty I know. I don't think I really want to be friends with her anymore, but she is my flat mate so I have to at least be civil, right?

Cause I see the Light

141.7 on Friday..... YES 141.7 on Friday
I haven't weighed in that low in FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
I am now sitting at 142.3 now buuuuut
I didn't go to the gym or anything during the weekend, and I ate somewhat normal (1000ish cals)
Hopefully by tomorrow I will be back to the 141ish mark :D
wish me luck
x

now on other news...... my flatmates suck..... well 2 of my flatmates suck... majorly.
will tell you in another post but atm I have a freaking gay as lecture to attend which sucks balls
ciao beauties
xx

101

Wow I didn't even realise in my state in my last post that I have broken the 100 posts!!!! *celebrates in room*
but yes
I don't even want to weigh myself not because I have been binging but because I dont want to know just yet.
ummmm yes
and yeah
got a gym membership pretty much go every day
got my period for the first time in 3 months... birth control is awesome haha
ummm I am reading your blogs but I am really busy atm with uni so can't really do so
But you guys who commented I love you and thank you so much for the support you lovelies are amazing
and so is S, because he still talks to me in my fucked up state
oh yeah most importantly


I SAW KATY PERRY TONIGHT!!!!! HOLY FUCK SHE IS AMAZING!!!
MARRY!

that is all goodnight xx