Homesick

Sorry guys haven't been on for a while because I have moved to UNI! YAY!
all in all when the internet is set up in my flat i promise to catch up on all ur blogs!!! XXXX

also I would love for you guys to send your love to Christchurch NZ..... massive 6.3 earthquake, rocked the city just 5km deep and only 10km out of the city in Lyttleton......... very sad moment for NZ

Moving

Not long left as a "child", being at home being looked after by mum, the laundry always done and tea on the table (not that I eat it)
3 more sleeps until I move
I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!
Making my own way in the world.... the way I want to :)

you are welcome to crawl under my skin for a bit, but you wont like what you find

I wanted to rip my stomach out when S had brought me chicken kebabs and wedges
I was doing so well
-300calories
nothing in
only exercise
then he turns up with two white containers
my head screams
my stomach twists
sit there and eat it slowly, while he watches me, bite after bite I start to feel sick. I want to give up, but he keeps watching.
when I finish he crawls into my bed and lies there, I excuse myself, turning the music on the bedroom so he wont here. I turn the shower on -background noise - stick my fingers down my throat until everything in my stomach is gone. get into the shower, scrub myself clean, scrub my teeth clean, tears running down for what I just did.
get out of the shower
crawl into bed with S
I hate myself

a day without you, is like a year without rain

I have no idea how I am going to survive not being with S. I mean I am my own person, but he makes me happy and he is my polar opposite, the one who keeps me sane. But maybe there is a reason that he doesn't want to continue the relationship past the point in me leaving..... maybe its because I am just not good enough!
COME ON what is so wrong with me he can't even try long distance..............

I am going to miss him

OK anyway I finally got on the scales yesterday....... ugh......... I don't even want to tell you the horrible numbers that flashed red as I looked down at my feet....
I fasted for the entire day until I got home 800calories later and I am feeling sorry for myself again, however I just thought of the best motivation! I set the alarm on my phone for 6am with a message saying "are you there yet" then another one at 6:05am saying "no wonder S doesn't want you" haha its bad but this morning I Was up at 6:10 doing sit-ups and crunches.... it works it does I swear.
Is it bad to think you are going crazy?
My drug is leaving me soon
I am going to go insane!
I just wont eat
promise
I
Will
be
Skinny
I will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM BACK! :)

Hello my lovelies!
o how I have missed you!
And o how I have missed reading your lovely blogs.... so much to catch up on! Tomorrow I will be spending an entire day(Almost) to catching up!

OK so you know those horrible girls? Well they apologised that night and asked to still go to my Bach with me.... and me  being a terribly nice person said yes, but that I only wanted to spend 5 days there, which we did but thank god by the end of it I plucked up enough courage to tell them that in fact this was the last time I would ever talk or see them ever again!!!
Anyway at the Bach I had big breakfasts - coco pops, fruit, toast -, lunch -toast or orange - and dinner well consisted of next to nothing! I would go for a swim after every meal and once before dinner where I would have to walk down this horrid hill it was steep, muddy and made you burn calories like crazy... 0.5km down and then 0.5km back up = 1km x 4 = 4km every day + swimming + extra 4km walks every day in the heat and up and down the hills!!!!! I felt amazing!!!

Then after the trip I went to see my Papa (granddad)........ well....... I have never ever seen him like this!!! He is one of those kind of people who are always strong and you never see them break, like he is always the person when he needs help he just does it himself, he doesn't want anyone to help him! And to see him so broken like this was heartbreaking, and the worst  of all my Nana (grandmother), she doesn't fully understand the situation, expesh after having 2 strokes, she didn't actually know that papa was going to die, she thought he would be able to fight the cancer and come out of it. When I talked to Nana, she burst into tears, it was heart wrenching!!! We all had a cry!
When Nana is upset and can't fuss over Papa (Coz he wont let her) she fusses over the next best thing which is to stuff the visitors silly with all sort of foods! ME!
Anyway there goes my good week at the bach, but I think if I had refused she would have been more upset.

I got back home yesterday afternoon.... S picked me up from the airport, the moods were high! I was sooo happy!!! 10 more days until I move to Uni! 10 more days left with S.
10 days left with S was the thought that crashed our moods, we got back to mine sooooo happy to see each other to hold each other................ yeah well u get the point. And then an hour later we were just talking and then valentines day was brought up... and the fact that I will be moving to another city two days before valentines day. I had always hoped deep down that S would want to long distance. Always. But no. It looks like in 9days we will no longer b C and S........ I am just going to be a lonely fat single girl. I cried so much when we talked about it.... and then he said the most annoying thing "This may not be forever, there could be a chance for us at the end of it"

*sigh*

I don't even know what to feel

Ciao Bellas
xoxox

P.S thank you all for all the support I love you all :) x