I am such a fuck up

Fuck I told S everything... I wasn't even drunk, well he was. I just broke down.... I dunno why but I did
I binged at my drinks last night..... not good
I am 146.1 now :(
But yeah I told him.

this may be TMI so I am giving you warning not to read if you are young or grossed out by sex before marrige kinda stuff

But yeah last night because S was sooooo drunk we were having sex and then he asked me to go on top and then he lost it and couldn't get it back up
and then that little voice in my head became not so little, yeah that little voice in my head told me "he lost it because all he can see is FAT!!!" and that voice said that over and over again and I broke down and started bawling my eyes out, not that he understood why, not in his drunken state, and he just didn't understand.
And in the end we stayed up until 4am with him trying to convince me I was beautiful. I can't see it. And at one point he asked me to just look in the mirror to see what he saw, and turned to him and said, I can't because every time I look in the mirror I hate myself more, I can't see what you see because I HATE MY BODY!"
I think this was the first time I have ever told anyone about it or even admitted to myself properly how much I hate my body.

Right well I have to S is waking up, and I want one part of this to be secret from him
ciao bellas

144.2!!!!

I have no idea how its possible but everytime I step on the scales its what it says!!!!
maybe its because I was drinking last night and I am dehydrated but I am taking it and running!!!!!
right time for my breakfast..... apple!!! yum!

gtg have to pack! leaving to go back to Uni tomorrow

I wish I was a billionaire so f**king bad

So last night S took me to see the movie Arthur..... highly recommend it!!! It was fantastic!!! Russell Brand is AWESOME!!!!
I don't actually know what is happening there with S... Everyone likes too ask that.... but I myself don't actually know, its a very highly complicated matter there!! Well while I am on the matter of that boy called S, on Sunday it was exactly a year since we met! :) and then in about a month it will be a year.... well it would be a year? oh fml I don't even know!!!!

restricted today.... 145.4 when I woke up
hopefully tomorrow will be better
have a lunch tomorrow.... thats it nothing else solid to pass my lips except lunch
Breakfast: 1 glass milk
Lunch: Pizza
Dinner: Alcohol

mmmmmm very very healthy :/

but then on friday I am hoping for:
Breakfast: Apple
Lunch: Apple
Dinner: Salad

that is healthy

and Saturday
Breakfast: Apple
Lunch: Salad/Sandwich
Dinner: Alcohol

and then Sunday (at work)
Breakfast: Crackers and Marmite
Lunch: Apple
Snack: Cracker and Marmite
Dinner: Salad

It should drop a few off my waistline :D

Well bella's atm there is nothing exciting in my life. It is all rather boring and grey :(
right should get back to my assignments.... see boring
boring
boring

I wish I was rich
sigh

xx ciao bellas

sorry!!!!

sorry that I am sooooo slack at posting this past week...... but its very very hard exspesh when you have noooo time....

my mother is making me take everything out of my room that belongs to me because she is turning my room into an office... SADFACE!
its always a sad day when you move out of home, but I think it is even sadder having to clean all the stuff out as they turn your room into an office damn parentals

well in weight wise.... I am 145 :D
so much better than 152
soooooo much better

I am fasting today and getting my hair cut
:)

its going to be a good day...
also you may be lucky and get a massive loooooong post tomorrow

ciao my beauties
xx

10 days

ok well I haven't got much to say.... but my head is full of things to tell you lovely girls

but I caan't my brain is too tired to tell you

but what I can tell you is that I am 147.2lbs and going down

ran for 10mins on treadmil before the dumb power turned off for 5mins

fml
well I have 10 days to loose as much as possible
wish me luck

but yeah anyways off to get drunk as skunk..... then have work training tomorrow at 7:30am 

yeah!!!!!

my life is awesome....?

xx

ciao bellas

run until your heart gives out

hello my lovely ladies!!!!
how are you all?
well if you wanna know I am fantastic........ I guess...
well I am back at home for a couple of weeks durng studie break so hopefully with unlimitted access to the treadmill at my house I am sure to shed a few pounds...... wish me luck.
now I would stay to catch you up but have an essay worth 40% tomorrow so I need to stop procrastinating
xox
ciao bellas
xx

p.s. got myself a new laptop today :D

and again

FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!!
I stepped on the scales this morning.......
152.4lbs
my highest weight ever
4 day binge is not good!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hat my body and the way it looks.... I just want to cut off all my fat

on an unrelated note.... can't wait to go home on Saturday
actually it is related.... I am going to run on the treadmill until my ass falls off

fat

yes thats right fat fat fat

Assignment numero uno

FINISHED MY FIRST UNIVERSITY ASSIGNMENT!!!! WOOOOO!
SO FUCKING TIRED THOUGH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FML

Sometimes smiling makes everything better

Oh hello there my beautiful angels.....
yes I do find myself on here trying to type logically at 2:22 am in the morning trying to make sense to my brain, but after 243calories today (Food wise) and a bottle of passion pop I am what you would call fucked..... expsesh since I sluzzed all over two guys at once oh no I am drunk drunk drunk
It may be beautiful and sometimes... but not when you sluzz.... no no never after you sluzz
never ever ever
UNI is amazing
and I wonder if
I will ever remember posting this
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
it feels like a sluzza post
(sluzza = slut. whore etc etc.....)
hmmmmmm
tired so tried sorry for all my drunken posts


OH and it wasn't the mumps it was the flu :)

oh and comments

Twigs Can Fly: my current rats are called pacé, cookie, and bambi, and I have had ones called bubbles, dottie, and amber and thank you muchly for caring xx

~christy~  thank you and hpoefully you get well soon xx

ciao bellas xx

swollen

ok so I had to give up on the ABC not because day 6 and 7 failed by over 300cals each but because even though I was going to get straight back on the wagon and have control, I woke up on monday morning with the biggest swollen checks.
I went to the doctor and apparently its my salivary glands, and it can mean three things... A) I have a mild case of the Mumps... even though I was immunised against them when I was young I can still get it. or B) I have glandular fever...... or C) they have no fucking clue whats wrong
so there is an upside to walking around looking like a fat chipmunk, is that I have no appetite! none whatsoever.... I am hungry don't get me wrong, it is just I can't eat like I can't my body doesn't want any food!
Oh and if I do eat it just comes back up.......

in a way its good but I feel like shit

well off too sleep again
I am super tired
xx
ciao bellas

drunk

sooooooo crunk its beautiful!!!! everything is beautiful
exspesh you girlies!!!! your all so fucking gorgeous!!!!

p.s. love this music video/song

Day 6

Day 6

weight: 148.8lbs

Amount: 200

Plan for today:

Breakfast: 0

Lunch: 0

Dinner: 0

ALCOHOL = 200?

Total: 200?

Exercise:

dancing until I can't feel my feet

only 1.2lbs down......... only 23.8lbs to go

Day 5

Day 5

weight: 151lbs

Amount: 100

Plan for today:

Breakfast: 0

Lunch: 0

Dinner: ryvita crackers x2 (100)

Total: 435

Exercise:

hopefully 1hour of Calisthenics (push ups, situps) (546)

net total: (-446) if I do the hour of Calisthenics... which I am doubting due to the assignments.... but 100 is a good number too :)

Today is day one of  the Super Slim Down competition......  it goes from now until the 21st of May, I think there is still time to join if you want to. 

sorry for the short post have heaps to do xoxox

*** EDIT ***
I fucked up big time BINGE = 500 calories over
thank god I did my hour of Calisthenics