Negative 4

Ok so as we count down towards the end of the year you use these last few days to binge on everything that you are going to vow to give up in the new year. You puff those last few packs of cigarettes, or you sit on the couch and binge watch Gilmore Girls, perhaps you eat so much you can't move. I always make the end of the year the laziest time of the year as I reflect on how I used to be skinny or how I used to have no fat or how I could just not eat for a day. One of my end of year rituals is how I always find my way back to this blog, I can tell you this much, the way I write (Still sucks yes) but it's way better than how I used to when I first started writing over 6 years ago

Let see, where am I now. Fat but happy.... not with my body... oh god no... definitely never going to be happy with that. I'm happy with C though, he moved here but I went from 169 - 205
So that's where I'm sitting at now. Happy and in love but fat and 205lbs

Talk soon <3

I always wanted to be so delicate I could break.
I always say wanted, like don't want to be anymore.
It makes me so angry.
At myself....
I can never be so delicate I could break, I mean I could but I don't have the will power.

Another thing, I want to be strong, fit, healthy.... yet I binge, restrict, over exercise, don't exercise enough.I have no balance no medium. No power......
.
I need help

But apparently I am the only one who can help myself

I'm back.... ?

Shouldn't really be doing this, or be on here... I should actually just delete this account. It's not good for my soul... Or is it? But hey, you know old habits die hard...
Watch me only be on here for a week
Bets anyone? For how long I last I mean ☺️ Haha

Well I'm living alone now... And by alone I mean with 3 friends who aren't going to be constantly watching my weight or what I eat...
So let's fall back into all my old patterns?

Weight: unknown (no scale)

What did I eat today?
Two slices of toast... I do believe I'm doing pretty well for day one... I even worked out, and that shit is rare!!!!!!!!!! I mean I love exercising. No I lie, I don't like it, I like the feeling you get after but I have no motivation to workout and to get going. I'm lazy remember!!!!

My goals have changed (for now) I'm aiming for 152lbs... My so called highest when I was 17... Boy was I wrong. I'm going to try a semi healthy way, but we all say that and the remember how easy not eating and loosing weight is 😯

I just got back from SA and seeing the boyfriend, I think I talked about him in previous posts, well we are an item now and he is moving here to live with me 😬 sooooo cannot wait. I have about 3 months maybe more to make my body bangalish, not what I went over to see him like, I want him too get here and be like "fuck yes going to wife this!!!"  Hahaha it probably won't happen but one can hope ☺️

Now I have a billion things to unpack so I better get moving and burn some calories while unpacking 😘

Ciao Bellas x

P.s I posted a little while I was in the states but forgot to change my privacy settings 🔫🔫🔫 haha dumbass

Drowning

Leaving him was one of the hardest things I did...
He was adventurous, and had a beautiful soul.
He had his own demons but he still managed to light up the darkest part of my soul.
I'm scared that I gave him a piece of me when we climbed into the van, fooled around and told each other the deepest darkest secrets, the ones you tell to strangers. He didn't run screaming, he stayed and wanted to be my friend... then more.
But now I don't know how I feel. I'm a little lost. And it may seem stupid to give this boy so much meaning over my life. But I was just learning how to smile without him and then now being in a different city, different country, a different hemisphere, I can feel myself slowly falling back into this pit of darkness again. I was almost out.
I haven't purged in two months.
Binging has started again.
He made me want to be different.
He made me feel beautiful
Fuck him
I hate him for making this so fucking difficult
Why couldn't he just be my friend still.... I know it's 'hard' but I honestly cannot lose anyone else
I'm drowning here

I'm home

So after being really good at the gym for tow weeks I stopped. A, because I was going home in 4 weeks and B, I couldn't afford the gym haha! 

So I went from feeling fab to being flab again... I mean what's new right?

But now I am home, back in NZ and I am ready to lose weight! I am currently on day 8 of this metabolism diet and I have gone from 80.4 kg (177.2 lb) down to 76.8 (169 .3 lb) my lowest weight since February 2013! My lowest this year was 77 kg (169.9 lb) and I have another 5 days on this diet! And I'm feeling so much better about myself! At the rate I'm going on average I am losing .5 kg a day so I can lose another 3 kg by Saturday! And if that happens I don't know what I will do haha! I haven't been 73.6 kg (162 lb) since November 2012! I actually feel like crying haha! I'm doing too good to be true! 

But being home apart from this fantastic weight loss, it's really hard! I miss everyone back in the states especially C! It's driving me crazy that I can't just call him up whenever! I miss him so much... It's also hard because all my friends here have moved on and split up into differ et groups... No one told me growing up would be so hard :( 

I have to go now Bella's xoxox

Ciao xox

 

5 km a day keeps the doctors away

The past two days I have managed to pump out 11.5 km on the treadmill

that actually makes me feel sooooo good!!!!!!

what doesn't make me feel good, is when I get attached to boys and I know I shouldn't 

like with C, I've been waiting for him to talk to me all day, but the thing is I may or may not know that he may or may not have another girl... 

Is it just me or do you also hate it when people you hang out with, hang out with others like "duuuuude they are my friend, sorry you can't be friends with them" maybe I'm just possessive or jealous or something

But like I also don't being yanked around, and people just not saying straight up, what exactly is up!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! I am so frustrated! I hate C for making me like this... but I just want to jump his bones still.

My eating disorder definitely does not help any of this though... I get stuck in my head like "Oooooh, a boy likes me, I must be pretty or something." then "I'm not too sure if he really likes me, maybe if I loose a little it will be okay" then in this case C has another girl "Oh he said he is over her, he is going to move on, with me, yay I feel okay again, life is awesome!" then he doesn't text me (I know he is with her duhhhhhh) "greeeat I'm pied, time to go to the gym until I want to vomit/time to eat as much as I want and purge it all" then he texts me or calls and I fucking go through it all these emotions all over again. I hate it I hate my body. Time for me to do 1000 squats now bye!

Day 22:

Weight:

Intake:

Breakfast: Grapefruit 97

Lunch: 0

Dinner: 0

Total: 97/830

Exercise:

Squats: 90/90

Walk: 60/60 minutes

It's time for me to go and stew about how I hate my body and why boys don't like me because I'm bat shit cray ;) haha! Yes time to do some more squats now!

ciao bellas xoxox

... and then some

Seriously where have I been....?
Basically
I made out with C's face, a lot... and then some
asdfghjkl
and we are just a little more than FWB friendswithbenefits and I'm actually surprised he still keeps in contact with me since he has left the state... and it actually makes me happy haha
Um yeah, so I disappeared for a while because I was caught up with basically going out every night with D, R and C

Day 21:

Weight: 169.8?

Intake: 

Breakfast: Ruby Grapefruit 97

Lunch: 0

Dinner: 0

Total: 97/841

Exercise:

Sit ups: 1000/1000

Walk: 60/30 minutes

Weight wise, last I checked I was 169.8... So I'm hoping when I get to weigh myself in the near future it will be lower! I'm going to be fasting this week if anyone wants to join feel free :)
I am only going to have a grapefruit in the morning and green tea, and maybe if I feel super light headed a glass of 2% milk just to fill me up a little bit! Wish me luck

ciao bellas xoxox

all work and no play makes for a tired nanny

Day 1: School Holidays... No naps + 14, 12/13 year old children "watching movies" = I need a coffee IV
Dying a little on the inside today... And I can't even deal with making a coffee... moving is so hard
...
effort

Last night was AMAZING fun, actually the past two nights have been pretty cool
every second Tuesday I meet up with a couple of friends for a no count Tipsy Tuesday
I mean if I counted I would probably cry
a lot
for days
haha
but Tipsy Tuesday starts from like 9:30 pm - 1 am! YAY! the best fun!
this time there were a couple of extra people, my friend D finally got her act together and got her ID so she can come out with us, and she brought with her, an incredibly HOT South African guy who we met a couple of weeks before (R) ugh he is delicious!   And he got us to play pool, which D, B (my gbf) and I were not complaining even though I suck major suck-age  because R has an amazing body which we were gossiping about every time he would bend over to shoot the ball or whatever you call it I don't know or care. R has a nice butt, and great arms and is gorgeous, and he doesn't know much English, so nafkjasdhfh even makes him more adorable.

And last night D and I picked up R and his friend C and we went to the same place and played pool, but again no complaints because those two are honestly the sweetest guys and have great bodies to stare at... and I would not mind making out with either of their faces... or their friend K...
But sober driver was my role, so I stayed more in my comfort zone and didn't get my flirt on as much as drunk me would

I think I might move to South Africa.... haha

also did I mention I napped all day yesterday ;) until like 3pm haha oops

Day Three:

Breakfast: n/a napping

Lunch: Starbucks Double Shot Energy 210

Nectarine 63

Dinner: Venti Starbucks Iced Coffee w/ 2% 60

Corona 148

Total: 481/863

ciao bellas xoxox

Day Two

I'm going to take it "slow"
I don't really understand myself at the moment haha

but a friend and I want to look like Megan Fox by Christmas... haha it was our goal to look like her this time last year, buuuuuut as always I never made it and we pushed that date to Christmas last year and again pushed it back to this year.

but that is typical for me really...

I think we might actually stick to it this time... I mean I want to 100% stick to it
so here comes operation Megan Fox by Christmas

25 weeks, with specific caloric net goals per week hope to drop just 2.2 lb per week (1 kg)
I used this Calorie Calculator to work it out
Here is the next 25 week plan for me if you wanted to follow along

1. 863	2. 852	3. 841	4. 830	5. 819
6. 808	7. 797	8. 786	9. 776	10. 765
11. 754	12. 743	13. 732	14. 721	15. 710
16. 699	17. 688	18. 678	19. 667	20. 656
21. 645	22. 634	23. 623	24. 612	25. 601

Day 2:

Weight: 172.8 176.4

Intake:

Breakfast: 1/2 sesame seed roll 85

1 oz turkey 30

Lunch: Yoghurt (x 3) 300 

Dinner: Pizza :( (1000)

Total: 1415/863

Exercise:

Sit ups: 500/1000

Walk: 30/30 minutes

ciao bellas xoxox

Day One

I feel like that is a permanent title for me
I'm not going to lie
I promise you
So here goes...

Day One:

Weight: 172.8 lb

Intake:

Breakfast: 1/2 Cup Pineapple 41

Lunch: 2.5 Cups Skinny Pop 250

2 cups Cocoa Rice Krispies 320

Dinner: 2 Starbucks Vanilla can drink things 420

Total: 1031

Exercise:

Sit ups: 1200 /1000

Walk: 20 /30 minutes

ciao bellas xoxox

End of the week... A new try tomorrow

I have always been shitty at starting and maintaining diets, and fasts...
Basically
I suuuuuuck!
I start one diet, then give up then again and again and again. It has been a repeating pattern, I start, I loose a tiny bit, I fail, I gain a whole lot. Forward one step, back two.

Goals for this week:

1. Walk once a day for 30 minutes
2. No carbs, no dairy, no meat
3. 8 glasses of Water
4. Green Tea
5. 1000 Crunches

Reward: Manicure

This weekend has been pretty good to me. My au pair friend and I met a few Afrikaans boys at carnival, and we are slowly becoming friends with them one by one. So two of them joined us at a bar last night where we drank and danced, then moved to a park and continued drinking while running around the wooden playground getting bark stuck in our shoes. I'm starting to miss the attention of boys... these guys who we hung out with are just our friends, and they have girlfriends. I haven't received the attention that makes my stomach flip. Is that wrong to want that?

There is a guy back home in NZ who asked me on a date while drunk... for when I come back. He said he would ask me again when he was sober. He hasn't. 

I'm all confuddled 

p.s. don't hate me, I had pancakes for lunch and a cheese burger for dinner

ciao bellas xxx

I'm Baaaaaack!

I left you all, then started a new blog, then failed at that, gain a bunch of hideous weight
So... let me start again oh hell I keep doing it

Hey! I'm C! 

This is my haven. A place for me to vent and hopefully meet some more lovely girls who would like to talk, and maybe help each other along the way! ;) 
I have had this blog since 2010 (almost 5 years now) and I started my old one in 2012... but I feel like that I needed a clean slate. But my old one never saw me post, and at least here I have the motivation of my past, and how skinny I used to be etc... etc... So here I am! Some of you already know who I am, but I may have been forgotten, but still.... here goes!

I am 21 years old (almost 22), I am 5'10 (178 cm) and I currently weigh and it pains me to say 170.6 lbs. I am about 35 lbs over my lowest and about 40 lbs over my UGW. But to make things a little happier, in the past month I have lost 8.8 lbs 

• My Thinspo's are Cara Delevingne, Barbara Palvin, Megan Fox, Abbey Lee Kershaw... and other skinny pretty models that I am too tired to think of their names ;) thin and beautiful
• I don't exercise much but I am going to try and change that 
• Today I have been fasting :) and haven't let a single morsel of food pass my lips

What happened in my 2 year hiatus... well I got drunk a lot, ate a lot of pizza, rekindled my friendship with H, and D... however all the rest of the people I talked about are non-existent in my life except for T and Gee
Um what else happened, I don't know if I ever mentioned JK but we met in Jan 2011 at her birthday party, which I crashed and then again in November 2011 and we basically hung out everyday, and went out drinking like all the time, and ate pizza all the time, and then she moved to America in August 2012, and then a year later I followed suit to be a nanny for a year. but between August 2012, and Feb 2013, nothing really happened my weight stayed at 74 kg, and then when I moved into a new flat in Feb 2013, my weight went up, I had two iPhones stolen, dated a couple of guys, had flat dramas, and crashed my work car, all in the span of 5 months. Then in July 2013 I moved home for a month before heading off to America. I had my 21st, made out with a couple of guy friends stupid stupid stupid I know, got drunk, worked and hung out with my family and friends
Then suddenly I was in America! and I love it here. I hate the job, and the fact the majority of food is over processed. I do love it. Oh and the winter SUUUUUUCKED! Plus I never lost or gained weight until now. Also I dated this guy for like 4 months, and then he broke up with me because I was going home in a few months, then he started dating my "friend" a week later but she is leaving the month after me... It just makes me angry, so I lost a lot of friends but that's ok because I found out who my real friends are, and I am a lot happier, because there was a month were I basically ate like non-stop.

I don't know if I'm boring you yet haha but here I am. I'm back! and I hope to be back to where I used to be :) 

So here are my current stats and goals

Age: 21

Height: 5'10

CW: 170.6 lb (77.4 kg)

GW1: 160 (72.6)

GW2: 150 (68)

GW3: 145 (65.8)

GW4: 140 (63.5)

GW5: 135 (61.2)

UGW: 130 (59)

HW: 180.8 (82)

LW: 132 (59.9)

Ciao Bella's xxx

I'M LEAVING

farewell blogging world x

You can sleep when your dead

Assignments due..... Haven't slept in two days ;) this is not healthy!

jack fell down, and broke his crown, and jill came tumbling after

short post before I go to bed....
I finally have internet
and my weight is not an issue that I would like to discuss right this moment
x

I'm on a boat mother fucker

Just spent thd weekend at home, just drove for 4.5 hours and now get to spend 3 on a ferry then another more hour drive up to my flat... Oh life is so fab right now.... Oh wait there is more. The fucking internet company STILL HASNT CONNECTED OUR FUCKING INTERNET.... so I am talking g to you via my phone, but alas I don't even know if this will work.... And as i seem tp promise you everytime.... A proper post next time... Promise xx

confetti for me

Ugh no, no confetti for meeeeee.... :(
That is really upsetting actuallty :(
Day 4 of the LDD..... I almost passed out at work... sooooo I had 3 cherry tomatoes, some fetta, lettuce, 12 baby mushrooms, aaaand an egg
Not a complete failure
but enough about that
I have done nothing today but obsess about food.... it is a complete obsession that I cannot stop
AHHHHHHHHHH

ciao bellas
xx

I think you're freaky, and I like it a lot

Ok.......................................... so life...... yeah

Gosh that is an exciting first line to this entry.... Sometimes, lines like these make me think I am a genius with these mother fucking words.... Sometimes I even think I could be smart.... haahahahahhaa. But truly if I was smart, would I be putting myself through this? Probably not! But oh well, I don't need to be smart, I am just aiming to be skinny ;)

Ok so at the moment I am between houses... correction, between flats. Between lives. Between me. Between fat and skinny. Between where my life starts and ends. Me and T have found a flat to live in (hopefully), it is supes cutes!!! We love it and the rooms are relatively big. Well big enough to fit me, and my new Queen sized bed ;)....... anyway so the house (flat) I am staying at right now, ugh, it's T's fuck buddies house. So I am awkwardly just staying here... because I am kinda being kicked out soon, so that just makes it really awks... but lets pray that they wont until I move into the supes cute potent flat......... Everyone seems to be going off to bed/home/town... there is someone's birthday party going on riiiiight now so I am chilling in the space/room I have been given temporarily while some loud loud musicness and talkingness....

AHHHHH piece and quiet..... kinda
they are all off to buy kebabs.... yummmm.... craving
But day 3 is almost over.... 30 more minutes and I think this is the best fast I have done EVER! like no shit... there are times on here when I have said I have fasted, but I normally fail..... BUT NOT TODAY! I have lasted 3days and have 7 more to go :) I am supes happy :)
right off to sleep shall talk tomorrow xoxox
ciao bellas
kiss kiss

Day 7147 of my life

To think that I am only a mere 7147 days old.... now you know my birthday, and age if you can figure it out

Just doing the LDD (lemon detox diet)
Just starting day 3 now at 1:25am here
I am craving like OMG!!!
I want fries
I want a bacon, tomato and cheese toastie
I want pizza
I want a BBQ rodeo burger from BK
I want a ham salad croissant
I want an egg curried sandwich
I want a huge pile of chocolate from my non-existing valentine :(
I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want I want
BUT I AM NOT THAT HUNGRY!!!!
yes my tummy rumbles, but alas, I know I can still survive without food..... but it is the fact that I am denying myself the pleasure of eating, that my cravings have gotten worse.... it is probably worse also because I work at a mother fucking supermarket, with all that yummy food!!! I have already planned my first meal................................................................................ ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm WTF I have until next Thursday, and I have already planned it?!!!
well I am going to have some Leek and Potato soup, since I wont be able to eat solids for like another 4 days after, but gaaaaahhhhh I honestly miss the one of the things I hate/love doing... Eating. I hate eating.... no scratch that, I hate putting on weight....... :( ...... I am 75.9kgs at the moment a BMI of 23.8.... its disgusting... I want to die not really, but you know what I mean) I am sloooooowly heading towards the mother fucking over weight section....... I CAN'T DO THAT!

ok imma go sleep and dies now
xx
ciao bellas
will be back here tomorrow though xx

I'm Back

Ok so for a while I have been MIA.... and I hope it doesn't happen again.... maybe, well I wouldn't know.... did you guys even notice haha. Well anyways I have been still here just not writing.... I mean what is the point? My weight has gone up AGAIN! I AM NOW AT AN ALL TIME HIGH! 163.4lbs (74.1kgs) UGH! disgusting.... all I do is eat, sleep, gym, then eat some more. I am useless. hahahahahhahahahha O how I haven't changed one bit.
So whats been happening in my life? Nothing....
I got drunk last weekend and plan to do so this weekend
I am moving temporarily to my friends flat, whilst I try to find myself a flat with T....  wooo
I went on a date tonight, first one since the ex *sigh* (still fucking wont stop thinking about him....stupid brain! But anyways the date sucked. well it wasn't all bad... first we had dinner..... and his ex gf happened to be at the restaurant..... um AWKS! he got up and talked to her, leaving me looking like a dick sitting there picking at my salad, then when they finally stopped talking, we talked.... ok so I like rich boys/guys/men (who doesn't) and he is lovely, but there is one thing I hate is when they think they are better than everyone and brag about it..... so he kept going on about travelling and blah blah rich talk! and I am just sitting there like "fuck" "nice" "jealous" the entire time! I felt so insecure about my family life, but I don't normally, because I am not poor, or you know, my family is just ordinary(ish) you know what I mean.... it's just the way he came across, so fucking arrogant.... and he had to pay for EVERYTHING! he wouldn't even let me buy the pop corn for the movie after......... I love being independent with my money you know, I want to be able to show guys that I can you know be fine with out some fucking man to be there to hold me up...... that's like the one of the things that just pisses me off! GAHKjghskadjhfkl;ashifulgsekjhaseduiyegfia;weyguiakjedfbvnio[egbjnmc9uegbg *sigh!* I just asdklhfakldjfkjhbg nahhakldfhjgk sorry haha, I liked him I did but the way he thought he was slightly better than  some people, and the comments he made about somethings ghakjfhdksdjfh
Buuuuuut anyways have aaaaaaaaaaaanother date tomorrow... I know whaaaadda slut (loljks) hopefully this one is more interesting :S

So thats pretty much the most exciting thing that has happened because my life is sooooooooo interesting :D CHEA!

Right I have to go to sleep now xox