Start again

Today I was at work...

Well if you know me, work is really... "If I have money I shall binge"-athon... Soooo

Fat lard ass me haddddd... half a bag of chips, chocolate and a baked potatoe :(:(

But I have started a new liquid fast starting tomorrow.

The rules:

• 1L water
• no more than 600ml coke zero
• One smoothie
• Work out monday, thursday, saturday
• To keep my self busy I shall; clean my room, do my hair, paint my nails, work out, watch tv, study, organise anthing and everything, go for walk/drive, go to work.
• NO FOOD - (Execept for fruit when I become crazy hungry and if I do it will be a tomato or banana - not even a full one)

I will be able to succeed because I am going to keep myself super super busy with anything and everything that has nothing to do with food...

I actually no longer enjoy food... I enjoy the odd occasional piece of fruit but other than that I don't actually enjoy placing the piece of food between my lips and chewing the piece of food. I think its more the ritual and routien is the reason I eat. I live to eat not to survive...

My new motto will be

don't live to eat, eat to live!!!

Because with mind over matter I wont get fatter!

Anyway enough about my crass failier....

My super sweet boyf turned up at my house at 10pm friday night with movies, and he sat with me and watched the blindside before we fell asleep in my bed.

We don't do anything except kiss... and a bit more.... but no sex. I really want to but I don't know I think I am a little attached to my virginity

I want to get rid of it.... well not like that I mean I want to give it to him... I want it to be his... but then this opther part of me is like, if you give it to him and then he isn't the one, it will be with him forever with someone else. IDK its like some stupid thing I have I mean I love him I do, and I want to give it to him on our 6 months but then this little part of me is telling me I will get hurt... and I know I could get hurt in the long run of this relationship (unless of course we do get married.. etc etc etc...)

Soooo maybe I will... But I have to be thin and beautiful. Also I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WILL BE DOING... Bloody hell I have so many insecurities.... FML

gah!!!!

three more days left of school... well its less really... On monday I will be doing art 24/7 and then tuesday art will be in the morning, then final school assembly, then CUP DAY! then on wednesday art hand in, and school is FINISHED FUCK YEAH!!!! BRING ON THE  SUMMER BITCHES!!! (not you lovely ladies but in genral lol)... I shall be working, getting drunk, partying my ass off, starving, working out, trying to get a tan, and maybe even possibly getting stoned... I shall be staying up late, getting skinny and having fun!!!!

I am soooooo excited!!!

THINSPO BOMB!

I did say BOMB didn't I?

ex oh ex oh!
Ciao Bellas

One Day Down... 6 to Go

day one fasting down
six more to go
no food has past these lips
:)

No I want to be

ARGHHHHH!!!!
I hate myself

FUCK YOU ANA!!!!!
OMG
She just doesn't leave my head, well if she does she leaves for two days lets me binge to my hearts content and lets me contemplate life as a fattie!!!!
And nows she just popped back

"Miss me much C? well I am back, and now you know you can't live without me hehehehehe I AM BACK FOR GOOD!"

OMG

two days of eating "Normally" and what did it get me? Going from 142 to the horrible 146lbs FML!

I am liquid fasting until Friday no exceptions

no breaking

no "just one buiscut"

NO NO NO!!!!

only liquid like green tea, water, coke zero. And I Can either have one juice, or one smoothie a day. And if you care to join me you can.

I hate me!

Slim but not too thin

While casually searching for thinspo.

I always come across the sad sad sad pictures of the skin and bones. I don't like it. I don't even understand how anyone would want to be soooooo thin! (Sorry if you do) But being that thin means I would have so many health problems. I would rather be SLIM and beautiful with the space between my thighs, collar bones, my ribs SLIGHTLY showing and my hip bones to be seen. If that means I don't reach my goal weight... I don't really mind... I just want to be thinish... Slim... Slim enough to be a model... Slim enough that my boyfriend will be able to piggy back me and think I am delicate... To fit size 6 - 8 clothes (NZ)
I don't want to be able to count every rib bone, I want to see the slight hint off my ribs

I don't want sharp hip bones that could cut my soul, I want the beautiful definition of slender hips

I don't want bone thin legs, I only want that space between my thighs

I don't want to be bone thin. I want to be model slim!

I don't want to be so thin I could die, I want to be slim enough to be happy and live

xx

HOLIDAY!

The Boyfriend wants to take me on holiday for our 6months.... he wants to go to this place which is a natural spring resort kinda thing.... what does this mean? Bikini.... and what does that mean??? F***ING BUM GO AWAY!!!! Thighs please shrink.... you have 25days to do so.. come on pack your bags and go... leave.... don't you get it? Your not wanted anymore!!! Your no longer the cute baby fat... your just the excess fat the hangs off my limbs... I WANT SO SEE THE SPACE... not the wobbly bits wobbling when I run, walk and just move in general....

I am going to try fast tomorrow... Today I was meaning to fast but I broke it when mum made me eat tea with the family.... FML! It was after I got back from the gym..... After I burned 500cals after I worked hard to remove those extra cals from me... I had to consume them again.... then I did something I hate doing... Purged.... I didn't even get it all out... I hate doing it I do... OH WHY!!!!!!!!!!! So 200 crunches/sit ups here I come... :S

BellaAna sorry if I failed you... but tomorrow I wont let you down!!! XXX

Did I mention I finished Wintergirls..... I LOVE!

yessssa

Thinspo?!!!
yes

now I have to go graphics time

two of those projects due tomorrow

:S

Ciao Bellas

xoxox

stay strong